lesson

On Facebook, I belong to a Bi-polar support group for spouses. Even though I am soon to be an ex-spouse of a Bipolar, I look through the struggles of spouses that go through the same problems I did and really want to reach out and help. Many are just in 5 -10-year relationship. I was in a 30-year relationship. Sadly, this disease does not get better and it is worst, especially when the person with bipolar, stops the medication that can help them live a wonderful life. But many choose not to medicate and when that happens bad things happen for both the bipolar and the spouse. I completely understand these spouses, sure like me they have the choice to walk away, they do not have to stay in a situation which at times is unbearable but I know they do it for love. Love, Love, Love very powerful.

 I do believe with love you can build great mountains together, but sometimes what happens is when you are building a great mountain there is your spouse that is on the other side tearing it down. You look up while your building and you do see your spouse struggling on their knees pounding the ground and  trying to build that mountain, you stop your build and go over and help them, only seconds later  you hear screaming and then the rumble of stones knocking to the ground,  because it wasn’t perfect, someone else could do it better, it’s not growing fast enough, and the classic IT’S YOUR FAULT!!! Then it wasn’t enough that the person knock their half of the mountain down, now they look over and see your side of the mountain coming together, so they are jealous that you part is building and that you are reaching the top even though they tore their side down, and your intention is to build that mountain for the both of you, but suddenly without warning they come and tear your mountain apart. Now both sides of the mountain are down and all that is left is rubble.

For the first time, I read this on the spousal support for bipolar and it hit home. It hit home for several reasons. The main thing was I completely lost myself in my marriage. The first part said it all. It couldn’t be more perfectly said. There was time when I stood directly in the background in the shadow as not to overpower him, to push him to the front and stand to the back. I believe and trusted in him with all my heart that he would keep us safe and secure.

Now the second paragraph could have happened but that is where the power of you are in charge of your life takes place. I was so fortunate to have had this experience happen at a very early age in which we had professional help to guide us through the bipolar issues. I remember the psychiatrist directly saying to me whatever you do, do not let him pull you down with him during bipolar episodes. And ever since that day I didn’t, I took that advice to heart.  In fact, I think what really saved me from drinking, smoking, drugging, etc. (which seriously I wouldn’t have done anyhow) was my belief in God and my belief in self, and a second life I created far from the bipolar in which I could be myself without the bipolar drama. Looking back though this may have been the undoing of my marriage but it was what saved my sanity during the marriage. This was the side of the mountain building to the top. I gave 150% to this marriage, sincerely but I needed that time away especially when the bipolar episodes were at their worst to regroup myself and give myself a pep talk, and go back in to what seemed at times, to be a fight ring to deal with the problems. I didn’t stop dancing, or laughing and lord knows it didn’t affect my eating but I did all these things at a low level. Still in my second life I created for myself, I enjoyed doing things I love, but in the other half this life didn’t exist. What existed in the marriage was unpredictability, sometimes fun and beautiful, and sometimes cold and ugly.  You just never knew what was around the corner.

I look back now though and at this point I realized how much of a sacrifice I made for this marriage and that is the part that hurts and angers me the most. When I talk to people now I say it’s not the person anymore because now that the love goggles are off I see how one-sided terribly abusive this relationship was, but then again as much as he hurt me he hurt himself.  The main hurt and anger comes from how hard I worked on the marriage and my belief in a marriage, that what is killing me the most at this point. The man I realize was not the man for me, but at the beginning I thought he was that man. Years into it that change but it was because of my belief in the sanctuary of marriage I stayed and kept building that mountain. Of course, we all know how this ended up, there was no doubt 6 years ago I was left for dead with my mountain crumbled to the ground, and basically for the mere fact he had to save himself from his own hand of bad circumstance created. One bad decision after another, I am forced now with one major bad decision left that was made when I was 22. I fought hard against this decision and several people know this fight. I knew at the time it was a stupid decision, and of course after this stupid one I never made another stupid decision like this again even though the threat of divorce was brought up time and time again. And I paid the price of that marriage when he made good on his promise that if I didn’t do what he ordered he would divorce me. Well I started saying no one too many times.

The results of that however is much happier life. I truly have myself back. Instead of just a low level of happiness to keep peace I can abundantly let it flow. I can do anything I want to do, say anything I want to say, and I can build a mountain and not worry about anyone tearing it down!!! That is the biggest one. I cannot begin to tell you how wonderful it is to know how life will be when you get home. You don’t have to wonder if you are going to get screamed at or if they are in a great mood. You don’t have to worry if they are going to try to make you sign something stupid, or ask you for money. You don’t have to hear them bitch about the day they had, their stupid employees or stupid family and when you give them advice or try to console them, they act like you’re the enemy!!!! Your free from it all. And it is amazing. When I say, I have a euphoric life I kid you not and the reason is because I have control and my mountain, and this mountain I am building is safe to continue to just grow. I am making up for lost time by building this mountain pass the clouds!!!!!  This mountain will probably take one more devastating hit from the past then I am free and clear. He can’t hurt me anymore and I mean that. That in itself freeing. With the last paragraph in the picture I can say that I give myself the credit of going through all that, but never letting him make me feel small.  I always knew who I was, and because of that and I couldn’t be broken, that added to the end of this marriage,  that fact he couldn’t control making me feel small. I held my ground there.

I was just going to do homework today but then I saw this post pic and it just brought things to the top so I thought I would share and make a blog out of it. Now back to work. HAPPY HALLOWEEN AGAIN!!!!

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